Insults- Old, new, borrowed, blue

Insults – Old, New, Borrowed, Blue

Don’t you wish you could always find the right words at just the right time to answer anyone who has upset you?

You will find that reply in this book. It has over 750 insults from some of the wittiest, cleverest and smartest writers that have proved that the pen is indeed mightier than the sword.

This book of insults has been collected from the well-known to the hardly ever heard of; from the famous to the anonymous, from newspapers and TV to long forgotten and folded magazines.

Of course the Bible, Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde appear but so does Raquel Welch and Frank Zappa along with Frank Warren (boxing promoter) and Violet Carson (soap actress).

Naturally Queen Victoria was not amused; but you might be by this huge collection of 750 quotes.

The book is arranged alphabetically but here is a selection of quotes with no named contributor or put another way, Anon:

Tremble and repent, unholy monstrous woman. You defile the country and young women. I curse you in God’s name and may you go childless all the rest of your days.
Letter to Agony column.

Great! Now do it with the ball.
An anonymous Arsenal fan that always stood behind me and had little respect for the talents of flying winger Alan Skirton, aka the Boy from Bath.

Previously reckoned to be what Tottenham Hotspur are to tennis.
Food review, them being a Premier League Football Club.

Heseltine knows as much about defence as Parkinson does about contraception
Banner. Michael Heseltine was newly appointed Minister of Defence whilst the outgoing Minister Cecil Parkinson, was forced to resign after it was  discovered that his mistress had given birth to an illegitimate child at a time when Margaret Thatcher was extolling the virtues of Victorian family values.

Play louder. I can still hear Miss Houten-Schriek.
Musical Director, berating the unfortunately named soprano.

It’s Arsenal 0; Newcastle 0. Now back to the studio.
Radio reporter on LBC Sports Saturday. Believed to have been Steve Tongue who left the commentary box completely after reporting three times on what he considered the most boring game ever.

They were so bad that one could be forgiven for thinking that they had entered the examination room by mistake and then been forcibly prevented from leaving until they had written something that they had considered relevant.
Examination Board report

Don’t be like Groucho Marx: From the moment I picked up your book till the moment I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend to read it.’  

Buy Insults – Old, new, borrowed, blue – using the links below

Download from Smashwords

Available in all formats

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For the Kindle

Many of these quotes can be found in my new paperback – Best of British – £6.99 from Amazon.